


Quiet now, you’re gonna wake the beast

by EternallySilverMagnusandAlec



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: (she's trying to do better but that doesn't erase her actions and their impact on her children), Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Alec Lightwood Has Feelings, Alec Lightwood Has Self-Worth Issues, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, Angst with a Happy Ending, Autistic Alec Lightwood, Bad Parent Maryse Lightwood, Child Abuse, Child Neglect, Comfort, Communication, Couch Cuddles, Cuddling & Snuggling, Discussing Past Abuse, Domestic Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Dorks in Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Insecure Alec Lightwood, M/M, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Magnus Bane Has Feelings, Magnus is happy to oblige, Maryse Lightwood's A+ Parenting, Past Abuse, Protective Magnus Bane, Supportive Magnus Bane, They have each other, Touch-Starved Alec Lightwood, lowkey hints at, okay there's sad stuff but they are so freaking SOFT for each other omg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-04
Updated: 2020-05-04
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:21:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,432
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23880730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EternallySilverMagnusandAlec/pseuds/EternallySilverMagnusandAlec
Summary: She wasn’t even in the room. Through a door, he heard the faintest sounds of Maryse Lightwood’s voice and any semblance of hope in his chest died in an instant.It’s an immediate reaction. One he didn’t even have to think about- it justis. The smile dropped. Alec’s shoulders tensed, bracing up against the inevitable, back going ramrod straight as his brow furrows into that awful scowl Magnus would tut over if he saw. He prepared himself to squint, to force to meet her gaze (“Alec,look at me”) when it burned. His arms had folded neatly behind his back as he drew himself up to face her. A soldier preparing for battle. He heard Maryse’s voice and it was like he was a scared kid again and he forgot how to breathe.He heard her and in an awful moment it was as though he was reminded of everything he was not allowed. Alec wasn’t allowed to smile or look pretty. Alec was not allowed to be happy. He never had been- that’s not what he wasfor, it’s not his job or his purpose.Alexander Lightwood wasn’t meant to be happy. He never had been.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 43
Kudos: 423
Collections: Autistic Alec Lightwood, Malace 101, Malec best





	Quiet now, you’re gonna wake the beast

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fic for Shadowhunters, and I'm so excited to share it with you. I've been working on it for a long time and I'm so happy it's finished. Thank you so much to anyone who's reading! I'm sending hugs and love to you all
> 
>  **Trigger warning for past child abuse (specifically more emotional/psychological) and discussions of said abuse.** This fic is mainly focused on some of the impacts child abuse has later on in life, specifically Alec freezing up when hearing Maryse and feeling thrown back into some of the emotions from when he was younger. It has Magnus and Alec talking about it afters and Alec trying to sort through his emotions. They both love each other very much and are supportive of each other. Please stay safe and don't trigger yourself if you know this fic would be too much for you!
> 
> There's an Autistic!Alec written by an autistic author, so a lot of his experiences are pulled from my own. There are mentions of some of the not pleasant things that Alec heard growing up about being autistic (and him overcoming those mindsets).
> 
> I imagine that Malec have been together for a while at this point. I love the idea of them having been together for several months (I love the headcanon that Magnus is bad at time as an immortal and they were actually together for longer when Alec asked to move in). Maryse still is struggling a bit with Magnus, but is actually trying to be a better mother to her kids. This was born of my desire to discuss the way her children react to her (and also potentially address the fact their under no obligation to forgive her for her past actions)
> 
> There's no guarantee when but I'm definitely planning on revisiting this again to add a few more fics alongside this one >:)

Alec had spent his life living like a shadow. _In_ the shadows. Dark eyes hovering over the frames of his siblings as he pressed close to the walls and watched. The archer. He kept an eye from above, or from across the room, and kept out of sight and mind.

His parents were adamant in the fact that he was the eldest. He was to take the responsibility for his siblings. From the time he was a child, he knew Izzy deserved her freedom- and then Jace when he joined them.

Alec… didn’t compute. 

Alec stopped being a child when he hid his siblings away and tried to distract them from the too loud voices and cold that filled their bones when walking around with their parents. When their parents were their superiors, their drill sergeants, and they had to stand at attention and take the verbal beration for their actions, no matter how small. And, in the days when Maryse’s words dug too deep or Izzy knew she’d be scolded for going to her parents over something as childish as a nightmare, Izzy would crawl into her big brother’s bed and he’d hold her close. In later days, he’d offer the same silent support to his parabatai any day cold seeped through their bond or Jace couldn’t fend off his own demons in the night.

(...no one did that for Alec.)

He was to look after his siblings. Watch over them. 

He didn’t know what else to do but train because maybe he fought harder, every step of the way, his parents, the Clave would recognize his dedication, recognize him for _something_. If he followed every law and gave everything to it he could keep his siblings safe. Izzy and Jace were allowed to rebel, to be wild, to have fun.

Alec wasn’t because if he did he wouldn’t be able to protect them. If Alec was as rebellious as his siblings no one could smooth things over with the Clave and shield them from the worst the others would have to offer from it.

Alec wasn’t allowed nice things. And that was okay, he knew that: because Izzy and Jace and Max were.

...

Then there was Magnus. He was pretty. Pretty when the word wasn’t supposed to be used for men, but Magnus, in his stunning attire couldn’t be anything but. He wore makeup, and it was more than pretty, it was ethereal and breath-taking. Glitter draped over his eyes and littered his figure. It never seemed to stop, because even when the glitter was less prominent, to Alec he was _glowing_. Magnus who had turned the whole world on its head. The first person who had ever seemed to look at Alec like he was worth looking at. Magnus, who looked past Jace and Izzy, acknowledging their presence but smiled at Alec and called him pretty. As though he was the most worthy thing in the room of notice.

And, for the first time in his life, Alec let himself want. And more than that, he _had_.

People were hard, but with time Alec thought he understood more. He’d grown to understand people he cared about better over the years- he thought it was because there was some sort of pattern of behavior. He knew after growing close with someone if they were more prone to sarcasm and if he paid enough attention he could sometimes start to piece together physical motions that accompanied other things, like tics someone was more likely to use when sad (as they used it before when close to crying, for example).

Understanding Magnus was an art. There would always be things that gave him pause- turns of phrase or comments that would always leave him baffled and theatricality that could be more than a little confusing. He would never be perfect. Some days the fog in his head made it harder to piece together any of the signals that people relied on that made his head spin because they _didn't make sense._ That said, over time, Alec thought Magnus made more sense to him. And Magnus tried, to explain when he knew Alec was confused and help clarifying anything that might lose him and he never made Alec feel lesser for it.

If understanding Magnus was an art then it was one Alec would happily dedicate himself to for as long as the warlock wanted him.

Magnus had sent him six texts this morning alone. It was a good feeling. One he wouldn’t expect to have; he used to think it was silly for someone to get so elated at these sorts of things. He didn’t get how silly and emotional colleagues had gotten over dates and significant other’s, giggly and giddy over a few emoticons. He thought it was stupid, but now…

He was hopelessly in love with Magnus Bane.

Perhaps that was why, grinning at his phone, he forgot for one fleeting, damning moment that as of today Maryse had arrived at the Institute. Alec had spent the night at Magnus’, as had grown more and more common recently, and thus far had successfully managed to dodge any unpleasant encounters with one Maryse Lightwood.

That moment, of course, when he lit up and beamed down at his flickering screen was when Izzy leaned over his shoulder with a wide grin. “Happiness looks good on you, big brother,” she told him lightly. Craning to look at his phone, she asked, “What _is_ he saying to you?”

Before she could get a good look, Alec switched his phone off. It was instinct- he didn’t like people looking at his things. Izzy didn’t need to know all the details of his and Magnus’ relationship. It had actually been totally innocuous, but Alec wasn’t going to tell her that. Izzy always believed what she wanted to anyhow.

“Have you finished your report yet?” He settled for, knowing it would bother her. That, and, actually it was a valid question, and questions had answers.

“Aleeec,” she complained, drawing out his name and Alec muffled his huff of laughter. “C’mon, talk to me.”

“I am talking to you,” he deadpanned, the words tumbling from his lips before he could stop them.

Izzy sighed, the one that made his skin itch a little, but her lips were quirking in a smile. That was… good?

“I’m sure you would take Magnus as seriously as your mission reports,” she told him with an exaggerated wink.

“Magnus doesn’t have to file mission reports. He’s a warlock, and even if he were, I doubt that’d be an issue.” Alec paused, before: “...I’d do his mission reports for him.” Alec didn't doubt he _would_ , especially if Magnus asked. Hearing him theatrically ramble on about whatever business he got into would be enough for him, and he'd be happy to grin to himself as he typed it up for his boyfriend.

“Alec!”

Izzy held herself for a moment before she burst into laughter and Alec felt his own lips quirk up, his smile stretching wider in soft affection until it unmistakably mirrored her own. There was a swell of accomplishment in his chest, the one that came when people actually understood and reacted to his strange brand of humor. Delight, pride, and a mix of his own joy at seeing such free laughter from his little sister.

She wasn’t even in the room. Through a door, he heard the faintest sounds of Maryse Lightwood’s voice and any semblance of hope in his chest died in an instant.

It’s an immediate reaction. One he didn’t even have to think about- it just _is_. The smile dropped. Alec’s shoulders tensed, bracing up against the inevitable, back going ramrod straight as his brow furrows into that awful scowl Magnus would tut over if he saw. He prepared himself to squint, to force to meet her gaze (“Alec, _look at me_ ”) when it burned. His arms had folded neatly behind his back as he drew himself up to face her. A soldier preparing for battle. He heard Maryse’s voice and it was like he was a scared kid again and he forgot how to breathe.

He heard her and in an awful moment it was as though he was reminded of everything he was not allowed. Alec wasn’t allowed to smile or look pretty. Alec was not allowed to be happy. He never had been- that’s not what he was _for_ , it’s not his job or his purpose.

Alexander Lightwood wasn’t meant to be happy. He never had been.

“Alec?”

Alec’s eyes snapped up, flickering wider. Izzy looked- concerned. Her face fell to one of worry, hand hovering as she stared in astonishment that was quickly changing to a more familiar expression. One of set determination and rage, that screamed she was ready to take on Maryse Lightwood and the whole damn Clave if she had to.

“It’s nothing Izzy,” but even as he shuffled he knew it wasn't. He couldn’t get as comfortable as he was a moment ago. Fitting into his skin no longer felt normal, he could feel it when he moved his weight from one foot to the other and was painfully aware of his breath and the hairs on his neck standing on end.

Not safe.

Not here.

Not anymore.

It was so _stupid_ , but some plaintive part of him almost wanted to cry at the realization. Just… feel lost. His heart did some stupid twisting and dammit he shouldn’t feel heartbroken over something so… so _trivial_. Because he had wanted this, he liked this. He liked the way he’d finally started wearing hints of makeup with his armor and swapped early training sessions and stiff beds with soft kisses and warm coffee before leaving Magnus’ in the morning. Now he felt like he’d slammed face first into chilling ice-cold water and woken up.

He had forgotten, for a moment, that Maryse was back at the Institute, here at all.

He’d forgotten, more truthfully, that he wasn’t allowed to be happy.

  


By the time Alec arrived at Magnus’ loft, he was exhausted. His head was buzzing from the strain of a long day, the itch of meticulously analyzing every word of the basest conversations bordering on sensory overload. Some days, his ears pinched against sound and a dull discomfort itched beneath his skin, swelling loud enough that he could do little but frown against it.

The moment he entered the loft, the tension dropped from his shoulders. Being here, it was easy to relax. To feel at _home_. That made him want to shy back on instinct because it wasn’t his place. This was- this was Magnus’. Another thing he wasn’t allowed to have, only in bursts. Something he had no claim to.

Still, the scent and warmth of Magnus’ loft was like the presence of a comforting blanket, enveloping him in the warm sense of safety and when he heard the excited call of “Alexander!” from across the loft he couldn’t stop the genuine smile that split his features.

Magnus spun to face him as Alec crossed further into the loft. His eyeshadow was a deep blue reminiscent of his own magic and dusted with glitter, reminding Alec of all the beauty of a starry night sky, and he wore a variety of necklaces that drew Alec’s attention just as much as everything else he was wearing. The chains hung low and mixed gold with thin, lighter black necklaces and the glint of various rings stood out on his skin. Magnus’ shirt was a deep red and the deep V of his neckline dropped low enough that highlighted what Alec considered to be Magnus’ _glorious_ chest and his arms.

Then again, Alec thought Magnus could look perfect in anything.

Magnus moved with all the grace that never failed to leave Alec breathless. Something rang from out on the balcony, something higher screeched and it appeared one of the late night cats kicked the bowl across the floor. Alec winced the barest amount at the way the sound sharpened against his ears, painful. Magnus’ eyes flickered with some semblance of recognition in an instant.

“May I?” He asked softly, making a theatrical gesture with his hand. Alec hesitated, before nodding the slightest bit.

Magnus swirled his hands in delicate motions that Alec followed in some frame of delight. Magic coiled gracefully around Magnus’ fingers. In an instant, the noise around Alec dulled to a more manageable hum, a silent comfort that had Alec’s shoulders dropping in a sigh relief.

Before Magnus introduced him to such resources, Alec hadn’t known items like the sound-cancelling headphones _existed_. Or anything else for people like him. Being autistic and a Shadowhunter was unheard of. There was no option but to repress it, ignore the uncomfortable itch and let it only swell up when it would drown him in the privacy of his own room. Alec remembered when Magnus had given him a pair of sound-cancelling headphones, ones that Alec couldn’t help but flounder under because they had to be expensive, ones he could use in the privacy of Magnus’ loft. It was like a weight was lifted off his chest.

Magnus discovered that he could create a better way to help Alec when using his own spellwork, one that ensured he could dull background noise without running the risk of missing the sounds of an impending attack and simultaneously used soothing magic to help lower the discomfort-bordering-on-pain that could accompany sensory overload. Even with that, Alec still kept his sound-cancelling headphones tucked into his desk and there was always a swell of fondness when he saw them.

(Magnus had tried, in a soft voice, in gentle moments, over and over to tell Alec it was _okay_ to stim. He didn’t know how to _believe_ it.) 

“Thank you,” he remembered to say with a flicker of his fingertips that Magnus would recognize as a smile. Alec caught himself and stopped, stilling as he clasped his hands behind his back.

“Of course,” Magnus stepped forwards to greet him with a soft kiss. When he pulled back, through half-lidded eyes, “How has it been?”

“It’s not bad,” Alec prompted, before biting his lip, and falteringly, “The- sensory component. It hasn’t been bad, just-”

“Climbing?” Magnus finished when he trailed off and Alec felt a swell of relief at the understanding his boyfriend just held for him with _ease_. He nodded.

Magnus smiled, something glorious. “I think I’ll make myself a drink before we settle in for the night if that sounds alright,” he explained slowly, waiting for Alec’s confirmation, before: “Let me know if you want anything.” He pivoted on his heel, tossing his smile over his shoulder as he strode across the room. 

Alec hesitated before he slumped back into the couch. His shoulders tensed around him, and he fought against the rising lump in his throat. Fingers twisting roughly together on instinct, he tried to press down the rising swell of unpleasant thoughts. Now that the world was easier to comprehend, the panic and weight of the day swarmed his mind with a fierceness that had him grimacing.

(Why did she hate him? Why had she hated him? She didn’t- she didn’t hate him but it still _hurt_ when it shouldn’t and it didn’t make sense-)

“Alexander,” Magnus prompted as he swirled his glass as he set to work at the bar. “What’s wrong?”

There was a certainty to his words, one that had Alec’s brow furrowing. Magnus just- he knew. He always did.

The words were clawing out his throat, tumbling free before he could stop them. Painfully simplistic. “I just… I forgot.”

Magnus’ brow knit in confusion as he set something down on the bar.

“Forgot what?” Magnus said with an airy quality. To anyone else it may sound unconcerned, but Alec could tell this was one of the times where genuine warmth ran under it when Magnus tried to help Alec feel as normal as possible. He was grateful for it. “I’m sure whatever it is, we can work i-”

“That I’m not supposed to be happy.” He choked a little and blinked furiously at a stubborn burning in his eyes. Alec had spoken before he could stop himself, and the words were small, small enough he hoped for a moment afterwards, desperately, that they wouldn’t be heard. Such a small thing in the face of a presence as vast as Magnus. 

Magnus _froze_. “Oh, _Alexander,_ ” he exhaled, and his words were achingly fond and heart-broken.

Magnus set the glass down on the bar and the solid clink that hummed through the air sounded impossibly louder. Alec startled. He wanted to pull the words back from their presence in the air, stop them from hurting the way they so obviously had. Magnus swept over towards him. When he sat, his hands found Alec’s as they rested in his lap and he gently pressed their knees together.

“ _Alexander_ ,” it seemed to be all that Magnus could find in himself to say, eyes wide and a thousand miles away as he tried to find something else to respond with. 

Alec twisted his head away, unable to process that much softness and affection. It crawled wrong under his skin and he was finding it increasingly hard to swallow. He dropped his eyes to their knit fingers. _He didn’t deserve this._

“Alexander Gideon Lightwood, you deserve every happiness in the world,” Magnus saying his name left his heart fluttering every time. It fell smoothly, rich like caramel and sweet in a way he’d never thought it could sound.

“Magnus,” Alec tried to protest, his voice shaking and he _hated that._

“You _do_ ,” Magnus said, shutting down Alec’s protests firmly before he could even breathe them to life. “Alexander, you deserve… _everything_ the world has to offer. All the joy you could ever possibly find.”

Alec shook his head ever so slightly in reflexive denial, fighting hard to swallow as his hands compulsively fluttered in Magnus’ grasp. 

“I’m sorry,” Alec said immediately, guilt clawing up his throat and threatening to suffocate him. Swallowing was difficult. It wasn't fair to drop this on Magnus, bother anyone with his mess.

Magnus shook his head, lips parting slightly in disbelief before he breathed, “Don't apologize.” Magnus’ hand reached for his, fingers curling together with Alec's and murmuring, “ _Darling_.”

The pet name seemed to say a thousand different things Alec couldn’t begin to decipher.

Alec’s eyes burned. His voice felt cracked and raw when he tried to force out, “Magnus-”

“Alexander, oh, my Alexander,” Magnus interjected, words ginger as his fingers brushed softly along Alec’s hairline, and then down to cup his cheek as though he was to be treasured. Alec couldn’t stop himself from looking up the moment Magnus made contact with his skin. He pressed eagerly closer without thought, drinking in the affection like a man dying of thirst. Brown eyes were gentle, painfully so as his eyes darted across his shadowhunter’s features. “You have nothing to apologize for. _Please_ don't apologize for this. Talk to me. What-”

Magnus cut himself off, battling silently with himself before in a gentle tone, “If anything, I should apologize for not knowing how- fatalistic you felt about this.”

“That isn't your fault,” Alec spoke up for the first time. Magnus’ lips quirked and he gave a conceding nod.

“Maybe not, but not seeing how much it hurt you, how much it still hurts you- _that_ I want to apologize for. I would have been there for you.”

“You are,” Alec twisted to face him, eyes wide and words the most intense he'd felt the whole conversation. “You have been. You're here with me right now. You've been with me every step of the way since I've come out. You- you've always been there, at the loft, checking in on me, making me smile. You always made a difference, even if you didn't know all the reasons things weren't right. Even when _I_ didn't know. Don't beat yourself for not being there for me, because you have been. More than I've had anyone my whole life.”

Magnus stared at him another moment, mouth sliding open in shock, stunned. Then he closed his mouth. His jaw clenched briefly, the way it did when he couldn't sort through all the emotions on his chest before he forced a watery smile.

“You never cease to amaze me, my love,” he got out shakily. His eyes flashed gold and Alec felt his heart melt a little at the sight that was as breath-taking as it always was.

“I love you,” Alec blurted, and yeah, maybe that’s not exactly what he intended to say but it’s always been true. More true than anything else he’d ever known, and it’s more than worth it to see the way Magnus’ eyes crinkle around the edges beautifully.

“I love you too,” Magnus barely had to pause before saying it, gentle and slow like it’s a confession he never tired of hearing. Alec didn’t think he ever would either.

Alec stared another moment, eyes soft and adoring as he watched the man he loved with every ounce of care he never knew he could muster before Magnus entered his life. Magnus took a breath, running his thumb over Alec’s cheek purposefully and the shadowhunter felt a line of sparks follow the motion.

“What brought this on?” Magnus asked gently.

Alec’s eyes flickered away, unable to bear looking at him like this. When there was the vague impending dread that Magnus would know, the way people always did, when he was lying and _tell_ what he was feeling.

“Maryse- Mom came back from Alicante today.” 

There was a sharp inhalation, and Alec tried not to wince.

“What did she do.” Magnus’ tone was frigid, sharp enough that Alec’s eyes flew up in alarm. He was almost scared, but he shouldn’t be because he hadn’t ever been scared, really scared of Magnus in any sense of the word. _For_ him, but not afraid of Magnus. But this, the coldness, the ice touched rage had Alec frozen for a moment. Because there was an ice cold fury, scarier than anything he’d ever seen on behalf of himself before and as strange as it was Alec couldn’t help the fact that it stole his breath away.

Strangely, he found the reaction almost _touching_ in response.

“She didn’t do anything,” Alec tried to placate him, reaching out and he was rewarded with a softer, concerned look. Magnus’ eyes were searching. Alec forced a smaller smile. “She didn’t _hurt_ me. I’m fine.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Magnus dropped his gaze to focus on their fingers as silently he fiddled with them, eyes gentling as soothing touches fluttered along Alec’s hands in adoration.

Alec hesitated. “I- she didn’t even do anything,” he found himself repeating, helplessly. His hands fidgeted restlessly, expression twisting in frustration. “I just- I couldn’t stop from… freezing up the moment I heard her.”

There was a glint of recognition in Magnus’ eyes, something sad, and Alec pressed on.

“I heard her voice and I know she’s been… better recently but I-” The words choked off, trailing into nothing. Alec didn’t know how to articulate: the panic, the age-old reactions that seized him without thought to brace for the hours of cutting remarks and verbal beration he’d been so accustomed to.

“Forgot in the heat of the moment,” Magnus finished for him.

Alec looked at him, pained.

“I shouldn’t be afraid of her,” he dropped his gaze to his hands. “I shouldn’t be… so scared, I-”

His breaths came in panting gasps and he shook his head hard when the words failed him. He would _not_ cry. Not even if his eyes were burning treacherously.

“I agree with your words, but for highly different reasons than I imagine you intended them,” Magnus broke in. He leaned forwards and squeezed their joint hands. “It’s a rational reaction-”

“I’m a shadowhunter,” Alec snapped, desperately grasping for any refutal that would work.

“So you’re not supposed to be afraid?” Magnus spoke dryly.

Alec gritted his teeth, casting a frustrated glance around the room. “I’m just-” Magnus waited, silently, as Alec tried to sort through the emotions swelling in his chest. “It’s stupid. I’m supposed to be _better_ than that.”

“How long would it take you to retrain yourself to use a different stance with your bow?” Magnus asked logically, eyes shrewd and narrowed. “I’m guessing longer than your first few attempts. Your body has certain learned behaviors and is trained with specific reactions to different scenarios. ...how exactly did you respond when your mother entered?”

“She didn’t come in,” Alec protested weakly. He sighed, shoulders dropping. “Not at first. I tensed up. Crossed my arms behind my back and straightened up, bracing for whatever... “ he trailed off, closing his eyes a moment, confessing, “I stopped letting myself smile.”

Magnus inhaled, looking sadder when Alec looked back at him but not surprised whatsoever.

“Standing at attention,” he acknowledged. He shook himself, leaning forwards. “Alexander,” he prompted, waiting with determination until he was certain the other was heeding him. “There is _nothing_ wrong with you. You’re right that you shouldn’t be scared of your mother, but that’s because she never should have given you reason to be. Not because you should be so desensitized to what she does to you that you don’t react and instead accept it properly.” The last word twisted with disgust, spitting it out like unspeakable horrors.

“I should,” Alec protested, hazel eyes wide. Voice quavering and trying to sound more heated, “I’m- I’m the oldest. I have to-”

His throat burned but he refused to cry. He _wouldn’t_.

“What, you should be willing to take whatever she has to throw at you?” Magnus asked sharply, derision for the idea made clear. He shook his head, disbelieving. “Alec… you’re allowed to be afraid of anything you think might hurt you.”

Alec reared back, panic swelling in his chest. It writhed with fierce intensity as his heart-rate rose at an alarming rate. “They- they haven’t,” he tried to protest, words tangling unpleasantly in his chest. He tried to stop his trembling, sounding painfully uncertain despite his best efforts. “They wouldn’t…”

Magnus’ eyes were sad, with the weight of many years worn clearly on his expression. “Not all hurts come from the physical, Alec,” he murmured, and Alec looked away. Magnus couldn’t know anything more than that.

His breath came in shuddering gasps, and he felt Magnus squeeze his hands. Too much fondness. Too much care. He had to deflect, get out, shift away from this somehow. 

“You had it worse,” he gritted out, eyes flaring with desperation. His voice was high and shaky, hands trembling as he pulled back from Magnus’ touch.

Magnus made some strangled noise of frustration, eyes blazing furiously. 

“That is _not_ up to you to decide,” he spat with fierce determination. He took a steadying breath, shut his eyes a moment and when he opened them he spoke so, so gently, “This isn’t a competition, Alec. It’s _not_ about who had it worse. If things are bad for you, they are for me too and _I want to be there for you_ through them. The same way I know you would be there for me. Don’t push me away, remember?”

There was a moment of silence. Alec watched silently, conflict warring in his head before his shoulders slumped. He flexed his fingers, hands feeling painfully cold now that he wasn’t holding Magnus’.

“I’m-”

There was a finger on his lips, warm and reassuring.

“None of that now,” Magnus breathed, cutting him off before he could even get the words out. Magnus knew Alec better than sometimes he thought he knew himself. “This is an apology free zone. Come here.”

Alec looked up, confused, before he took in Magnus’ open arms and lurched into the embrace before he could second-guess himself. He just wanted to be held right now.

“I’ve got you,” Magnus vowed.

Alec shuddered in his arms. Magnus hummed above him, resting his chin on Alec’s head as silently the shadowhunter leaned against Magnus’ chest. Alec felt _safe_ in a way he hadn’t since the morning, cocooned in the warmth of Magnus’ arms.

“The things she said,” Alec gasped out finally. His voice broke off, heart twisting painfully in his chest. He felt rather than heard the trembling breath Magnus drew in at that. That hurt, twisted deeper than his own words did. Magnus reached up to softly run his fingers softly through Alec's hair, and Alec let his eyes slip shut, unable to stop the pleased hum from escaping him before he cut himself off. Leaning into the contact, wordlessly seeking, he tried to fight back the swell of words echoing with sharp clarity in his mind. 

Alec didn't doubt Magnus thought he was talking about things his mother had aimed at him, his own inferiorities. He'd happily leave it that way.

He couldn’t bring himself to speak so many of the things he’d heard. It was poison to even consider spitting out the acrid, horrible things he couldn’t believe anyone could speak about this gorgeous man. Any of the awful words they used to describe Magnus were too vulgar to be thought and filled Alec’s bones with a deep tremor of rage.

Maybe the warlock had heard worse, a thousand times worse over the course of his lifetime, but Alec refused to dare speak such things in the air. Magnus deserved everything, the world, the universe, but none of the hatred spewed towards his kind.

“You’re allowed to _feel_ , Alexander,” Magnus breathed into Alec’s hair. “You don’t need rhyme or reason. You can be angry and sad and scared without needing to justify it. And you shouldn’t shame yourself for hurting for what has happened in the past, even if you think you should be over it.”

Alec was stripped raw by the words and he tried not to shrink away from how well Magnus knew him. But with Magnus- it didn’t feel intrusive, or scary. It felt… like being welcomed home. Like someone would wait for the day Alec saw himself as they saw him.

When Alec would see himself as beautiful the way Magnus saw him.

Something wet struck his cheek and Alec blinked, startled, when he realized he’d begun crying. He took in a trembling breath, biting his lip and trying to remain as quiet as possible. _It’s alright._ It had never felt alright before- it was something not to focus on, something to stamp down and bear with a smile and ignore the suffocating feeling in the chest.

Now that he was here, supposed to let the emotions swell up and _feel_ , it felt impossibly like he was going to drown in them. He didn’t know what to do with it- it felt like a weight had been dropped on his chest that had made it impossible to breathe and his very being ached with some acute agony that he _hated_.

Magnus continued running his fingers through Alec’s hair. It was soothing, a gentle presence that had him feeling relaxed despite the tears spilling faster and faster as moments went by. His chest hurt, and Alec choked on a harsh noise. Magnus sucked in a breath, tipping Alec’s chin up so he could meet his gaze. Magnus made a sad, strangled sound when he took in the tears streaming down Alec’s face.

“Oh, love,” Magnus let the name roll off his tongue with ease, thumbing away Alec’s tears as the shadowhunter silently leaned into the touch. His eyes slipped shut and he let out a shuddery breath.

“Sorry,” Alec managed, and Magnus shook his head wordlessly. 

“You don’t have to apologize, Alec. ...I love you,” his words were weighted with certainty, and he bent down to press a lingering kiss to Alec’s forehead.

They stayed there for a while. Alec felt his eyes slip shut as more tears overflowed. Magnus held tight to him, and Alec took in shuddering breaths and tried not to shake under the force of it.

“I was scared,” he bit out, voice trembling. “I was _scared_.”

He couldn’t find the words to explain. They choked off in his throat, silencing themselves before they could be breathed to air. The fact that he was scared he was a child, when he tried to shield his siblings as best he could, how home felt cold and lonely and impossibly large. That he was afraid of his parents, no matter how much he loved and gave to them. The terror that he was constantly letting them down pervaded his mind, overruled his senses, and while he’d give his heart and soul to them and thought they were always right he was _scared_. That same terror clenched his chest and made it impossible to handle things normally when he was an adult. 

Even now, despite knowing she was trying to do better, that same terror threatened to suffocate him when Maryse was mentioned or returned, when her voice echoed in his head at night and the internal jabs at his own insecurities and worth sounded uncomfortably like her voice.

Somehow, Magnus seems to understand all that.

“I know,” he blew out a shaky breath, eyes old and dark. “I _know_ , Alexander.”

It was silent for several long moments. Alec managed to get the trembling of his hands somewhat under control, and he couldn’t help but be relieved.

“Thank you,” he got out in a small voice, and Magnus smiled sadly. 

Magnus drew back slowly, far enough he could meet Alec’s gaze head on. It was a strange realization for Alec that he’d scarcely let go of Magnus this entire time, these moments that felt like hours. How long had it been: an hour? Half of that? It seemed to drag on an endless stretch of time, feel impossibly longer in his head. It had to at least have been an hour, it felt that long, if not longer.

(Then again, all sense of time may be skewed with how his head was right now.)

Alec fidgeted, his gaze darting around the loft. It felt too hard to pin down his own gaze, to stare into the too-knowing eyes of his boyfriend, and something itched beneath his skin with the need to _move_. At the very least break the hold Magnus’ eyes had for a few moments. 

“I’m not-” something bobbed in Alec’s throat before he met Magnus’ gaze. “I’m not _supposed_ to be _happy_.” It was a simple statement, a call back to his earlier words. The ones that startled this whole mess.

He could sense the immediate protest that rose to Magnus’ tongue, but he kept quiet. _Listened._ It made something uncoil in Alec’s chest and made his breathing easier.

“I- I always knew that. I’m a Shadowhunter. I’m a _Lightwood._ We aren’t supposed to… have nice things. It doesn’t make sense for us to. My parents wanted us to inherit the family name, make the Clave proud. We had to train and study runes and sit through our lessons without complaining. We’re not- Izzy and Jace did eventually. They had a-” Alec gestured vaguely, “... _life_ outside the Institute eventually, or at least, things they enjoyed from the outside world. Jace- Jace deserved to have fun after everything he’d been through and I haven’t ever been able to deprive Izzy of anything. ...Even if it meant sneaking around my parents sometimes.” 

The admission had his lips quirking up slightly.

(...Alec hadn’t known how to do things for enjoyment as a child. Reading was for studying, his parents stressed- clave texts and the Gray Book. Why should you read something for fun? Alec adored archery, felt it as a missing part of himself, but any interests before that couldn’t be focused on something beyond the Clave.

Unless it was practical, unless it served a training purpose, it was useless. Or so Maryse and Robert had hissed for years in his ears.)

He took in a breath: “I _couldn’t_. Maryse- she, _they_ , had such high expectations for me. Ones I couldn’t fail. And if I did I couldn’t protect the others from trouble.”

Most especially, the Clave. Because if Alec wasn’t lawful, wasn’t good, there was no one to argue their case. To have a history and good moral standing to shield his siblings from their own mischief. 

Alec could feel Magnus’ eyes on him and he didn’t lose traction when he spoke. He was rambling, he knew that, but he didn’t know how else to spill the words bouncing around inside his head so loud that he felt like he was buzzing with energy.

“I was supposed to be dutiful and hard-working and I... no one _wants_ an autistic Shadowhunter, Magnus. I gave everything _for_ them. ...and sometimes I think I was too afraid how my parents would react to seeing me happy. We’re- I’m supposed to be the best,” The words tumbled faster and faster, but here, he stopped. Alec’s next words were shaky and small. “I wasn’t supposed to be happy. I always thought I wasn’t made for it.”

Magnus flinched at that, and something sharp clenched in Alec’s heart. He hadn’t- he hadn’t meant to make Magnus upset and it could be hard for him to tell what he was doing wrong and he didn’t-

“You make me forget that.” 

Magnus blinked slowly at him, head tipping a miniscule amount as a brief flicker of confusion crossed his face. Alec wet his lips. His voice was quiet and shaky when he spoke again.

“...you make me forget I’m not supposed to be happy, ‘cause with you I just… am.”

It wasn’t just because of Magnus- okay, that might have been a lie. But since Magnus came into his life, Alec started finding what made him happy. He’d tried foods because they were _good_ instead of eating what was necessary to get by and what the Institute merely had on hand. He let himself enjoy the smaller pleasures of life. Alec had started doing things because he _liked_ them. He was still a shadowhunter: he always would be and a massive part of him was dedicated to that, but there was more now.

Alec knew he liked the glint of makeup on his cheeks every now and then (though he was very particular about the brands because of the _textures_ ), he knew foods he liked to eat because they were _good_ and not because it was easier on everybody else, and he knew he liked to read stories. He liked to read stories curled up on the seat next to Magnus while Magnus played with his hair. He liked dancing with Magnus (even if he wasn’t much good at it). Alec liked petting Chairman Meow when he purred and feeling the vibrations beneath his hand. 

He was a Shadowhunter but he was a _person_ now too because he knew things about himself that didn’t fit into the walls of the Institute.

In a matter of moments a flurry of emotions had crossed over Magnus’ face. Finally: “Alec,” Magnus’ voice was strangled when he spoke. “ _Alexander_.” 

Alec tried not to wince anxiously because _that_ was weighted with yet more emotion he had no clue how to decipher.

Magnus seemed to get this, and murmured a quiet reassurance before he pressed a shaky kiss to the back of Alec’s hand. When he looked up at him, he did so with a trembling smile. “There are far, far too many things to break down from that conversation, but Alec- _I_ want you. Far more than I know what to do with. You deserve happiness just as much as Jace and Izzy and Max. You deserve those things and God knows whoever made you believe that you are undeserving of happiness is the world's largest fool. I am so glad you gave yourself the chance to find a life outside those walls, because you should have the chance to find all the joy you gave your siblings a chance for,” he held up a finger to shush any protest Alec may have in advance.

He leaned forward, and Alec could hear his own breath shuddering in the air. “You have to _know_ that you deserve to be happy. You do, Alexander. I want to remind you how much you deserve to be happy... the same way you do for me.”

Alec couldn’t help the thrill of delight at those words. Because Magnus- Magnus was happy too. He could see the warning there, that Magnus wanted him to know how to be happy for himself. Alec thought he was getting there.

(And he was starting to believe that maybe the autistic part of him wasn’t bad like his parents had always said.)

“I promise that I’ll be here for as long as you’ll have me,” Magnus threaded their fingers together and offered a warm smile. 

Alec huffed. “I’d have you forever if you’d let me,” the words tumbled free from his lips before he gave them permission to. 

He froze, breath catching in his throat as he realized the weight of what was just said. It was true. He didn’t know how it couldn’t be. If he could, Alec would hold onto Magnus forever and never let him go. He wanted to spend an eternity falling hopelessly more in love with every part of Magnus, spend every day finding something new and incredible to adore, discovering the tiny quirks and details that made him _him_. Now that he’d had Magnus, Alec didn’t know if he could ever go back to a life where he didn’t.

Magnus’ mouth dropped into a tiny ‘o’ of shock, expression wavering dangerously. “Alexander,” he choked out in disbelief before lurching forward to kiss him. It was clumsy and messy and they were both gasping into it from lack of breath, but there was something that tasted impossibly sweet about it.

When Magnus drew back, his eyes were shining ever so slightly with unshed tears. “You never cease to amaze me,” he said, and Alec tried not to twitch at the words he’d heard many times before.

“In good ways I hope?” The edge of his words lifted up uncertainly, and Magnus shook his head fondly.

“The _best_.”

Magnus let eyes trail up and down his boyfriend’s face in awe.

It was strange to him sometimes, how easy it was to watch Magnus. Alec knew eye contact was hard- he hated it with most people. He didn’t know if he was just weird, but when he knew someone, when he trusted them- it was easier. And looking at Magnus was no hardship to him, not unless he was already careening towards a meltdown.

Alec loved watching Magnus because all he could see was every hint of beauty the world had to offer.

They stayed there silently for a while, wrapped in the warmth of each other’s presence. Alec fidgeted with the material of Magnus’ shirt while his boyfriend played with his hair. The feel of the fabric as it rolled beneath Alec’s fingers was… grounding. When he needed something more he started picking at his own fingers and, silently Magnus offered his hand in invitation. Alec took it and began fiddling with his boyfriend’s rings. There was always at least one, and he never seemed uncomfortable when Alec spun or fiddled with them. It was something that Magnus had done in his own time to calm himself, and he rarely hesitated in offering his rings for Alec to stim with. Alec watched in deep-seated fascination as he toyed with the ring, and Magnus smiled fondly above him.

Slowly, more and more of the tension slipped from Alec’s shoulders.

“Thank you,” Alec told him, voice muffled into Magnus’ chest.

“I love you,” he said with ease, cat eyes proudly on display and glimmering with affection.

“I love you too,” Alec replied immediately, and wrinkled his nose when Magnus chuckled.

Magnus took a steadying breath, and a subtle change seemed to sweep his figure, one Alec didn’t seem aware of. “Alec,” he started firmly, gently ruffling his fingers through Alec’s hair with one hand while squeezing their hands together.

“If you ever want to talk about this,” Magnus said seriously. “If you _need_ to. I don’t care if you think you’re interrupting a happy mood or _bothering_ me. I want you to come to me. I mean it, Alexander. I’m here for you. ...promise me that.”

“Only if you’ll come to me too.” Alec could feel the shocked breath Magnus let out at that, eyes snapping closed against the weight of the words (as though they’d rocked his world to its core).

Magnus shook his head in disbelief, slowly opening an eye to stare back at him with rounded pupils. He made a desperate sound before kissing him again, the softest brush of his lips that had Alec’s heart fluttering in his chest from the sheer gentleness of it. 

“I don’t know what I did to deserve you, but I am ever so grateful,” Magnus said when he drew back, staring at him in awed disbelief from his place on the couch.

Alec huffed. He’d wondered the very same thing, aching with the weight of it.

“So. The whole ‘relationships take effort’-” Magnus took on the gruff voice he did when impersonating Alec and Alec rolled his eyes more for show than anything else (and to hide his own amusement), “we’ll come to each other if we want to… talk about these parts of our respective pasts, yes?”

Alec nodded emphatically. 

“I’d prefer a verbal answer if you’re up for it, or a sign of some sort,” Magnus said quietly.

Alec blinked. “I- I’ve never really tried to talk about this before,” he rubbed his curled fingers up and down the side of his leg to try to soothe himself. “But. I promise I’ll try to come to you if I need to.”

The words were true. He wasn’t quite sure _how_ yet, but… he wanted to try.

His boyfriend softened. “That’s all I can ask for, darling.”

It was strange to Alec sometimes, how easy this came. Being with Magnus. Perhaps easy wasn’t the right word- it had taken them a long time to get to this point. Hours of work and weeks of learning. It wasn’t perfect, it had been a hard fought battle and the most fulfilling one Alec had ever waged.

Magnus was _safe_. The word was weighted in his head, held a deep seated trust that rang into his bones. 

Alec trusted him. Magnus was someone who Alec could sit with without feeling life seep further and further from whatever energy remained. Magnus was someone who Alec could visit and feel _better_ with than when he was alone. Magnus could touch his belongings, enter his space, without it being a world-ending terror. Magnus was someone he could look out in most circumstances without feeling worse and Magnus was safe in a way no one else had been before. 

Alec loved him for it. 

Magnus cleared his throat loudly. Alec tilted his head ever so slightly to one side at the sound.

“Well,” The warlock gave a shaky laugh and he waved his hand. “After _that_ particular emotional discussion, I could definitely use something to drink. Water, preferably, and you should too.”

Alec nodded, suddenly aware of how painfully dry his throat was. Wordlessly, Magnus summoned two glasses to both of their hands. Alec took a sip of his water, shoulders heaving a silent sigh of relief. Alec watched out of the corner of his eye as his boyfriend pressed a finger to his temple, silently touching up a few smudges of his makeup. None of them ever made Magnus any less beautiful in Alec’s eyes- it always made him feel special when he got to see the sides of Magnus when his perfection slipped. When he was a man and not the mask he wore, a person who was undeniably beautiful and incredible, but _human_. Alec loved him all the more for it. He’d forever feel honored at the vulnerabilities he was allowed to glimpse in their time together, and the chances he was given to provide comfort to such an impossibly powerful man. 

“You’re always beautiful,” Alec murmured and Magnus’ eyes shot up to his.

There was some delighted note of laughter in his eyes, and Alec kissed him. Alec kissed him softly at first, as though uncertain, before more and more fire seeped into it and Magnus returned in kind. When they drew back, their foreheads stayed pressed together for several moments and Alec couldn’t keep the lovestruck smile from his face.

He wasn’t sure how long they stayed there, comfortably drinking in the presence of each other and him breathing in the comfortable scent of sandalwood and whatever else touched Magnus’ products. It was a peaceful quiet, not one that was naturally draining to the point Alec felt it like a physical weight on his conscience. He sat up, leaving enough space between them that there was room to comfortably move, but close enough he could still feel the sense of warmth that came with Magnus. He took a few more sips of from his glass, shutting his eyes for a brief moment before he set his glass down at the coffee table.

Something itched beneath Alec’s skin, an urge that had him shifting in his seat. His fingers tingled that particular way they did, his heart pounding, and he tried to push it aside for several moments. It was harder with Magnus here, looking at him with such aching fondness it was hard not to want. ...and he really did, and it was far easier for Alec to breathe easy when the comforting presence of Magnus hovered at his side. _Safe._

Magnus smiled when he looked at him, a soft thing. Even Alec could sense the easy joy radiating off him- he looked like a happy cat, slow blinking from behind bright cat eyes with a lazy expression that seemed all too similar to when a cat twitched its tail against the floor.

Slowly, Alec let his hands start to flutter. It felt _right_ , playing his emotions like a physical song, a dance he let very few see. And when they swelled to a larger, rapid flutter akin to wingbeats as he flapped his hands up and down faster and faster, Magnus’ grin grew impossibly wider.

Alec wondered if this was what it was like to be free.

**Author's Note:**

> I cherish and adore all comments and thank you for each and every one! Talk to me on [tumblr](https://eternallysilvermagnusandalec.tumblr.com/)!


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